The Circle

This weekend, my mom gave me my grandmother's ring. I can picture it on her hand. It makes me hear her voice feel her skin. Wearing the ring all day today, I was comforted by the thought of her: her poise, her beauty, her wisdom. It is probably the best present I have ever gotten. Her ring is gold with a large green stone, a circle.

We also attended a funeral today for one of G's best friends' dad. He left behind a family that celebrated his life, but they were clearly sideswiped by having him taken from them before they were ready for him to go. Our friend who lost his dad is expecting twins in two months. The babies will live a legacy of faith, love and integrity already embodied in their dad, now grieving a great man. A circle.

I have had many blessings in my life, but I have also had many losses. I have experienced losses from which I never expect to recover; they mean that I have had the opportunity to love as much as that loving hurt when I lost, and I don't want to forget that amazing love to recover from the loss. I am strong in the broken places. A circle.

My friend A., who was adopted and has been such a supporter of our adoption of Daniel, delivered a beautiful baby boy Thursday. He shines with new life and all that is pure. A circle.

My pregnancy with Scott, unlikely to have been achieved or maintained, was tumultuous with so many worries and chances for disaster, that he is a living miracle. I have loved him for much longer than I have known him. That is not because he grew in my belly or because he shares my genes. I have loved him for longer than I have known him because the minute I sensed that we belonged to each other, perhaps even before his heart was beating, my life became something different; I understood the world differently by loving him, unseen, so completely.

A prospective adoptive parent, I am sure that this feeling is EXACTLY as powerful. I can not leave him alone in the world. I love him. I have never held him in my arms, but just as much as if he had grown in my womb, I love him, not the thought of him or the idea of a baby. I love him. So, whether or not I become his legal mother (and I still have to believe that I will), we belong to each other. I am forever changed by loving him. I am just having trouble finding the circle in this one.

9 days until 60.