The Gregs

In Love Again

2011-12-28T20:46:00.000-05:00

Let Go

2011-12-06T05:30:00.006-05:00

Do you remember when you found out? I was probably 6- Judy Blume told me (Fie you Superfudge.). Mom said, as I pointed to the page and demanded the truth, “As long as you believe he is.”

So I went upstairs that Christmas Eve and believed with will like steel, and he came. Nevertheless, that was my last year for him even though I kept pretending to believe.

Today, by the trampoline, the neighbor said, “The subject came up…kids at school, etc, and I tried to divert their attention, but they were looking it up-“ fade to flips of little big boys,

“He looks more breakable than yours,” I say.

“That’s because he belongs to you,” the neighbor replies. They giggle and flip some more. I say that we were on the cusp anyway, 2nd grade. I laugh and say, “It was starting to feel a kind of like a lie-I guess.”

Inside with dinner cooking, I snuggle him. “Are you ok?” I ask. He rests into the arm, but tense.

“I think I have a sore throat” which he probably does because we are all stuffy. For a second, I think that maybe he doesn’t know for sure, “and that is ALL I want to talk about.”

8 years of ecstatic, meant for one morning of the year only, wait at the top of the stairs and I’ll see, turn on the Christmas music and dance around with the joy of it sort of wilt into the big blue eyes that say, “I used to believe in magic.”

And the baby is sick for the first time. I am thinking as I lay on the floor next to his bouncy seat all night so I can be sure he is safe. One hand is on his chest while he labors to breathe through his first stuffy nose. We hold on, and then we let go. We watch them growing because of us, despite us. He will be a little man one day, too. But S will probably pretend for him and for D because the magic is worth it, and the letting go part hurts.

Not All Tangled Up Anymore (April 25, 2008)

2009-09-27T07:11:00.003-04:00

hallelujah

Music

2009-08-30T22:32:00.002-04:00

Both of my guys love music. Here they are watching a trio of musicians outside of a local wine shop this afternoon. Maybe one of them will be a musician. They are beautiful children.

Getting Big

2009-08-23T22:18:00.004-04:00

Is it possible that my baby is going to kindergarten Tuesday? Time is tricky. Every day with him has been my favorite day with him so far. This little letting go is all at once painful and beautiful. I am proud of Scott.

And look who is sleeping a little better in his "big boy bed"!

Thank You

2009-08-16T22:56:00.004-04:00

This time last year, we were about to embark on the journey of a lifetime, but two women were about to make a sacrifice of love for us. When we arrived at the orphanage to become Daniel's parents and family, two women stood out as the ones who had been loving him like crazy for the first year of his life. They watched his confusion and fear with wariness as we went through the chaotic orphanage procedure that I wish could have taken longer. I wish we could have talked to them. I want to thank them for loving him and teaching him how to love. I cannot imagine how strong these women must be to give their hearts and to let go. They have given me a gift I can never reciprocate.

Today, Daniel and I went through the Vietnam pictures, and he said "baby" at first. Then, he realized he was the baby. I wonder what he can process and remember. I hope to hold the memories of these special women in his heart. I cannot express my gratitude in the way I feel it.

God... And

2009-08-13T22:37:00.010-04:00

(in my arms August 25, 2008)

August 14, it will have been a year ago when we got the AWESOME email approval from CIS that we could travel, finally, to Daniel. For months, I had been getting up all through the night to check my email for the millionth, trillionth, gabillionth time. I had spent literally every waking moment composing letters, making phone calls, devising plans to convince my government that his life was worth examining so he could have a HOME and ASAP. On this night, I had been crying. Not just the regular sad, sorry, mad cry. Mine was the balled up in a little corner of my sofa just empty and sinking, sinking crying. I did not check my email just before falling asleep. I prayed. I said to God that I could not foresee the culmination of this process. I felt, I told God, that I would not be able to find a way to live with the guilt and loss and tragedy of having Daniel grow up in an orphanage, but, I told God, I could not see a way to help him anymore. I was starting to believe that we would never get an approval. God, I said in my mind, I cannot see how I will live through this, and I honestly cannot go on this way. I am broken. Please help me; please help my baby. I don't remember stopping crying before I fell asleep.

God was silent, but I did not wake up that night in my zombie search for answers that never never seemed to come.

My husband, not a person to wake at night to check for the magic email, got it before I woke, and he came running into our bedroom with our laptop. I had to rub the sleep out of my red eyes to read it twice because I was so soundly asleep that I thought I was dreaming at first.

I have been broken before:

1) My dad had heart surgery. I had no job, no plans, no home, and I thought I might be losing my dad. I was terrified. I curled up in my sinking, crying ball and said to God, "I don't have any way to control any of this. I am broken; please help me."

Within a week, I was engaged to my husband, who I had loved for all my life, I guess. I had gotten a job where he lived, and my dad got a little better.

2) After miscarriages and infertility, we finally got the test that determined our issue. We were told that we would probably not ever have biological children. Same broken plea.

And then I found out, about a week later, that I was already pregnant with Scott.

Heartfelt prayers do not always bring the answers I want them to bring. Can prayers cure infertility or solve government problems or bring health and prosperity unless that is what God wants or wanted before the prayer was prayed? I don't think so. Maybe God has a way of breaking us competely so we can accept gifts, when they come, as his gifts. I honestly don't know how all that works, and I have witnessed really horrible things happen to people no matter how much they pray or not. I also don't think that God blesses people with answered prayers because they are good and faithful. His answers seem more complicated. All I know is that I feel compelled to pray, lots.

Those three moments in time stand for me as possibly the most defining ones of my adult life. In my gigantic broken moments, God seems to be telling me to trust him. Give up, you, he says. You can't control this. Why do you spend so much of what has been given to you trying to be in control? Why can't you just trust me?

I have been hesitant to talk about my relationship with God here. Some people who check in are not religious at all or are devout Christians or devout other religions, and both kinds of people might read this post with judgement. However, I cannot remember that night without recalling how that prayer sent me sadly to sleep, but to really sleep for the first time in seven months (and actually for the last time since then...hence Daniel's sleep issues ensued). The peace was strange. The next morning, like the days following my dad's illness and my infertility diagnosis, felt a little like my own private miracle. I wonder why I can't just trust God for everything, whether I feel broken or not, and I guess that is what has me thinking tonight.

And, thanks to those of you who had some good advice and support for my pediatrician situation. I picked up the form and talked to the receptionist who was almost in tears when she apologised. I felt like she understood the problem. She even said that one reason she was asking about it was because she wanted to adopt a child one day. Who knows. People can be really stupid, and I have also said stupid things in my life, many times. I chose option 2 (talk to her) and 3 (move on). I like our doctor. I'll see how things go at our next appointment before I decide to leave.

Blech

2009-08-12T08:06:00.006-04:00

Yesterday, I took a form to our pediatrician's office for Daniel's new school. As soon as I entered, I noticed the cranky lady, who sometimes runs the intake window, was there. I put on my happy face and kill them with kindness attitude, and I proceeded to go through the "please ask Dr. so and so to fill out this form" protocol. The background with Lady is this: she doesn't like me. She doesn't like that Daniel is my son. I only suspected before based on her sour looks and disapproving tone, but yesterday, I found out for sure.

Everything complete, I set out to round up the boys who were playing together in a tent in the waiting room. There was no one else waiting, and the guys were having fun, so I sat down for a minute to listen to them giggle. This is what I heard Lady say, loud, "Why do people adopt from other countries? There are plenty of children in the US...more...more...etc."

I know that her opinion is pretty standard anti international adoption talk, and I am not naive; I understand that there are many people who are thinking/ wondering the same thing when they see my family. However, she was speaking in the receptionist seat at my PEDIATRICIAN's office IN FRONT of MY CHILDREN. I was steamed. I was so steamed that I did not say, "Domestic adoption is an excellent option, and if I knew when I began trying to adopt a baby back in 2005 what I have since learned, I might or might not have gone in that direction. However, I would not, for every bit of life inside of me, change one thing that brought me to MY SON." or "I bet you don't question the values, morals, and decisions of every pregnant woman who walks in this office for having a biological child instead of adopting one of the 'plenty' of available US children. People make family choices based on tons of criteria that are, clearly, none of your business." or "I was the fourth and last option for Daniel. He doesn't have a life mom, life family or domestic family to take care of him. I am his mother because of that. I would not have him growing up in an orphanage just because he is from Vietnam. All children deserve a safe, loving home, and Daniel has one."

Instead, I quickly grabbed one child in each arm and walked out of the door.

What next?
Option 1
Letter to Dr. asking for my children's records so we can go to a pediatrician's office that is designed to show respect for all families and children.
Option 2
Pick up form and tell Lady that I heard her asking questions about our adoption and I would love to help her understand our decisions, if she feels like she needs to, in a private setting, away from my children.
Option 3
Move on.

What would you do?

A Little Girl

2009-08-04T19:34:00.003-04:00

Please read the story of this family struggling to bring their 4-year-old daughter home from China. Please sign the petition created by JCICS here .

Please Support the Efforts of...

2009-08-02T14:08:00.001-04:00

http://mothersinactionforvietnam.wordpress.com/

2009-07-28T22:51:00.003-04:00

RAINBOW!

2009-07-28T22:51:00.002-04:00

Thank You Big Jim

2009-07-28T22:50:00.001-04:00

Us

2009-07-28T22:49:00.003-04:00

Cowboy

2009-07-28T22:49:00.002-04:00

Girls

2009-07-28T22:47:00.004-04:00

We saw...

2009-07-28T22:46:00.001-04:00

Good Moms, Thankful

2009-07-28T14:42:00.003-04:00

Thank you moms for all the good advice about Daniel's sleeping. I am going to try...everything. Modified Ferber this weekend after soy milk, cheese etc., less spoiling, more loving him healthy. I guess Daniel, like Scotty, carries the burden of my lengthy longing for him. I tend to err on the side of over loving, kissing, protecting, and indulging. You all have given me something to work on.

Today is hot. In an effort to save my house and children from the certain destruction that was about to take place inside (too much time inside makes for wild boys), we tried to walk to the park. We wilted halfway down the street. Slowly we waddled through the heat waves back to our garage for a promised cleaning. I stopped to water the flowers, and Daniel took the hose. It wasn't long before he turned around and soaked Scotty. Shrieks of laughter, splashing, little giggles, puddle jumping, and mud digging soon had me seated on my driveway watching the scene and, as often happens lately, smiling a big almost tickled up smile without realizing it for a minute. I am thankful.

Sleep?

2009-07-22T09:12:00.005-04:00

Daniel has been home for almost one year (hooray!), but he still will not sleep through the night. Help! Daniel goes to bed beautifully in his crib at 7:30. He sleeps until about 9 or 10 when he wakes up crying hysterically for the first time. He won't cry it out. I have tried that torture, and he just works himself to completely undone, and then he takes hours to go back to sleep. If I rock him and sing or talk to him, he will go back to sleep and sleep for another one to two hours. Then, I either take him in bed to cosleep or rock him again depending on what we are doing. In bed with me, he will fall immediately back to sleep for between 3 to 5 hours. Then he will wake again, usually frantic. The only thing that will calm him is milk: rocking, cooing, singing, holding etc. makes him scream more. After milk, he wants to lie across me, as if he is afraid I will leave if he doesn't hold me down. It is lovely to cuddle, but difficult to sleep.

He has slept though the night exactly 3 times since he became part of our family. I have tried a pack-n-play next to our bed, music, a fan, snacks before bedtime, lovie blankets. At first I thought it was just his earaches (he did have them often), but now he has tubes in his ears and has not had a ear infection since February.

Aside night sleeping, he is happy, funny, healthy. What gives? Any suggestions?

MiMi with all 8!

2009-07-20T21:47:00.002-04:00

2009-07-20T21:45:00.004-04:00

Fun

2009-07-20T21:45:00.003-04:00

2009-07-20T21:44:00.000-04:00

July 4th

2009-07-20T21:43:00.001-04:00

2009-07-20T21:42:00.001-04:00

To Fly Kites and Light Sparklers

2009-07-20T21:41:00.003-04:00

Love

2009-07-20T21:41:00.002-04:00

2009-07-20T21:38:00.003-04:00

Frizz bee Sale

2009-07-20T21:38:00.002-04:00

Afternoon Shadows

2009-07-20T21:37:00.001-04:00

Sweet Cousin

2009-07-20T21:36:00.001-04:00

2009-07-20T21:34:00.003-04:00

Another Birthday Celebration

2009-07-20T21:34:00.002-04:00

Summer Yeah

2009-07-20T21:33:00.001-04:00

Getting So Big

2009-07-20T21:31:00.001-04:00

Big 2!

2009-07-10T19:16:00.003-04:00

MMMM

2009-05-30T20:30:00.001-04:00

Pudgy Arms in the Strawberry Patch! So Sweet.

2009-05-25T13:02:00.000-04:00

2009-05-08T23:00:00.000-04:00

Welcome Spring

2009-04-11T13:13:00.003-04:00

My Precious Child

2009-04-11T12:53:00.001-04:00

Big Boy with a Friend!

2009-04-11T12:50:00.001-04:00

T-ball

2009-04-11T12:48:00.001-04:00

Big Snow!

2009-03-02T14:04:00.001-05:00

Time Out

2009-03-01T12:11:00.002-05:00

Time out has lost some of its sting since whenever Scott has to go, Daniel situates himself next to his brother on the stairs. Typically, hillarity ensues. Time out is fun! What would Super Nanny do? Rascals.

Bob

2009-02-13T19:11:00.003-05:00

My beautiful Bob died today.

Thank you, Bob, for 16 years of completely unselfish love and friendship.

I miss you so much already, and I love you.

2009-02-07T18:55:00.000-05:00

Lost My Voice

2009-01-23T19:19:00.010-05:00

Since we traveled to Daniel, I have stopped writing. I have been humbled and by the swirling circumstances of our lives that were suddenly calmed by my son's arrival into our family. I lost my voice. While I am searching for it again, I hope that I can document some of the wonderful events that have been happening, even if I can't do it with eloquence.

Daniel is the perfect fit for our family: passionate, funny, and loving. He runs, babbles, laughs, waves, blows kisses, and climbs everything. He understands most of what is said to him, but he only follows directions if he feels like it. He loves to have bare feet. We take him swimming, and he has no fear. He wants to put his face in the water and kicks and splashes like a wild man. He much prefers outside to inside play, but he can entertain himself with almost anything. Mostly, though, he wants to be held.

He has been plagued with ear infections since we met, and whenever his nose starts running, I think he has another. Consequently, he has never been a good sleeper. He goes to bed in his own crib, but by 9:30 or 10:00 he wants to co sleep, and that is OK with me. He never fusses once someone is close; he just does not like to be alone. He gives big, wet slobbery open mouth kisses, and he hugs his stuffed animals with compassion I have never seen in a little child. I wondered with Scott and now I wonder again if such enchanting little people ever existed in the world before. I am mesmerized by my good fortune.

I am compelled to try to write because this is the end of the old year, and I have to bury the bad feelings and difficulty that characterized the last to welcome, with joy, this new one. I also am returning to work Monday which makes me want to document my time with the boys.

Uggg. I cannot imagine being away from my guys, and I have been postponing the thought of the months to come, but with Monday looming, I must confront this separation. My children will be safe and happy with family members, and I will be embarking on a new adventure with my big kids who bring me such energy. Still. I am returning to work with optimism, but my heart hurts.

I must also mention that I am OVER THE MOON to have a new president! I like this article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/21/us/politics/21family.html?_r=1&hp

Chuc Mung Nam Moi

2009-01-23T08:19:00.000-05:00

Snow

2009-01-20T13:56:00.005-05:00

2009-01-09T18:21:00.001-05:00

2009-01-09T18:19:00.001-05:00

Pretty Charleston and Folly

2009-01-07T20:30:00.002-05:00

Thankful

2008-12-29T21:54:00.000-05:00

I love you

2008-12-10T21:28:00.001-05:00

On the Move!

2008-12-08T19:55:00.001-05:00

i put my kung fu tiger claw mojo grip on you

2008-11-09T07:40:00.000-05:00

Crazy Man/ Elvis?

2008-10-19T21:14:00.001-04:00

Pictures

2008-10-19T21:02:00.001-04:00

Mimi
New Scooter
Aunt A

Pictures

2008-10-19T20:37:00.002-04:00

Sweet Boys

2008-09-21T13:07:00.002-04:00

Breakfast face!

I am too cute to handle.

I am also too cute to handle.

Hi Dad!

Love and brotherhood.

I am a lucky mom.

My Arms Feel So Full

2008-09-05T12:35:00.002-04:00

We are home. I cannot thank enough the people who have been integral in this journey to Daniel, especially my mom who has dedicated so much of herself to his homecoming. Daniel had a tough transition at first which was compounded by him being very sick. Note to self, check baby's ears for infection before subjecting him to flight from Ho Chi Minh City to Hanoi three days after meeting him. Poor child. Anyway, he is feeling so much better, and we are seeing his beautiful smile. He laughs with Scotty, and he eats like a champion. He is cruising but not walking yet, and he thinks Bob is a very frightening alien who must be tortured if approached. Bob reacts with her regular deep breath (here we go again, she must be thinking). We are all so happy to finally have Daniel home and so appalled that he had to spend six months longer than he should have in his orphanage. I am still thinking about how to use my words, and I am not sure this is the forum for those thoughts any longer because they might seem to diminish the pure joy I want to express for the blessing that is Daniel. He is home, thank God.

2008-09-05T12:29:00.000-04:00

Scotty is a celebrity. Everyone wants to touch his hair and look at his big blues. Who can blame them! What a sweet little guy.

2008-09-05T12:26:00.000-04:00

2008-09-05T12:25:00.000-04:00

Beautiful.

2008-09-05T12:24:00.000-04:00

Wow. Scotty swimming in Ha Long Bay.

2008-09-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

The Amazing MiMi! Ha Long Bay caves.

2008-09-05T12:15:00.000-04:00

Daniel loves Daddy.

2008-09-05T12:11:00.000-04:00

Hot day in Hanoi...Temple of Literature.

2008-09-05T12:07:00.000-04:00

So blessed.

We are Here!

2008-08-26T21:36:00.003-04:00

We are in HCMC and we are overjoyed to have adopted Daniel through our G&R ceremony the day before yesterday (whenever that was). This nation is fascinating. It is so different here, and yet so familiar as the people embrace each other and they embrace us. Daniel's caretakers loved him very much, and I could tell that they were very sad when he left. He has been missing them, also. We are eternally grateful to them for loving him during this long year. Scotty has been such a trooper, but his clock is way off, and he spends most of the night awake. By dinner, he has tears of exhaustion because his body just can't get used to the new time. We hope this week will be much better for him. Our trip was exciting, and we are having a GREAT adventure. Meanwhile...here is the beautiful amazing littlest person in in our family...

Thank You

2008-08-15T20:43:00.006-04:00

It is with JOY and GRATITUDE that I write this post.

1) First, I must tell the many of you who have followed our story and posted your comments on this blog, you have made a huge difference to me. When I began this online journal, I had no idea that it would become a sort of lifeline for me to people who, despite miles and anonymity, clearly understand what happened. You understand how much I love Daniel even though it has been something very difficult to articulate or explain, and your support has been a blessing. Thank you so much.

2) I am thankful for Tu Du and my agency parents (home, approved, and waiting); thank you. I won't say why now, but you have brought Daniel home. How can someone thank another person for saving her child? You have.

3) I am thankful to my mom and my J. I'll tell you in person.

4) Senator Dole and staffers (especially C.A.). THANK YOU.

5) R. from C. P's office might not see this, but you have really been hanging in there with us. Thank you.

6) I am thankful for my big sister who has always given me the right words with the right (and beautiful) heart.

7) I am thankful for my little sister who is a shining light.

8) I am thankful for my brother who loves me.

9) I am thankful for all of my family: nephews, nieces, cousins, aunts, uncles, in-laws. Thank you for your work, your letters, and your prayers.

10) I am so thankful for my friends, old and new.

11-196)...
I can't wait to see you, baby Daniel. I am so thankful to your life mother, to your caretakers and to God for creating and loving YOU. I am infinity thankful, and I would journey to you for my whole life for you to know how much you are loved and wanted. I do not regret one moment that brings me to the place where I can finally hold you in my arms. I am thankful for you.

We waited 196 days for our I600 APPROVAL.

PRAISE GOD!

2008-08-14T05:06:00.001-04:00

OUR APPROVAL CAME TONIGHT! WE ARE GOING TO VIETNAM TO BRING DANIEL HOME!

Day 193 Waiting for I600 Approval

2008-08-11T21:15:00.003-04:00

Scotty prays for you every night, Daniel. We want you home with us.

Very Smoochable

2008-07-18T22:39:00.004-04:00

A Break

2008-07-11T19:13:00.003-04:00

I am going to take a blogging break. I will post if we get good news. Please pray for Daniel who we love as big as the world.

160 Days

2008-07-09T06:48:00.003-04:00

nothing.

Daniel is still in his orphanage, and we are still in limbo. My heart is just squeezed up tight all of the time.

Please let this end.

July 4th Weekend: Thankful

2008-07-06T18:52:00.008-04:00

I am one of those cheesy people who gets teary eyed at the national anthem during every Olympic medal ceremony. I love all of the other old, beautiful, patriotic songs, too. I am proud of the ideals on which my country is founded, and I am grateful to the men and women through history who have worked for and fought for the preservation of those ideals. I am so LUCKY to have been born in a country and during a time that MY voice, a woman's voice, a mother's voice, a teacher's voice etc. can be heard along with all of the other voices which make up our representative democratic system.

I am not always proud of the ACTIONS of my country. Nor am I in favor of all of the battles that have been fought by the brave and dedicated men and women who stand above others in their service. As an American, I am lucky to be able to disagree. I can sit at a table with friends and family, who hold all different beliefs, and engage in debate where we can grow from understanding varying points of view. I do not take lightly the sacrifices that others make to ensure that my right to express myself is preserved.

One powerful lesson I have gained from this adoption process is the lesson of how to access and petition my representatives. What a privilege it is to have elected officials to whom I can express my beliefs. I feel like I have abused that privilege by never having used it before.

What frightens me is that this process has also taught me that abandoned, our democratic rights can be obscured, lost in red tape. I have been afraid to speak at times, for fear that Daniel would suffer for my speaking. I have felt as if my representatives, at times, were representing what Thoreau would call the government "machine" instead of me, their constituent. I do not feel that any person is deliberately trying to harm children. I believe that all involved are really trying to do their jobs, and well. All are trying to follow their consciences. However, not all voices are being heard. Daniel and I are not being heard. This is a larger lesson. Who is being served by many innately political processes? How does this problem of representation affect the indigent, the immigrant, the unemployed, the soldier, the student, the uninsured child? I want to be more vigilant about speaking, and I would encourage all to be more vigilant, because we likely disagree about some issues. Those varying viewpoints are what give our nation the balance necessary to maintain the democratic foundation which we typically take for granted.

Here are some excerpts from early American writers that are relevant to my current experience. These are important and timeless words. I am thankful to be an American.

from The Declaration of Independence
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.--That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.”

from the First Amendment of The Bill of Rights to the U.S. Constitution
CONGRESS SHALL MAKE NO LAW RESPECTING AN ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION, OR PROHIBITING THE FREE EXERCISE THEREOF; OR ABRIDGING THE FREEDOM OF SPEECH, OR OF THE PRESS; OR THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE PEACEABLY TO ASSEMBLE, AND TO PETITION THE GOVERNMENT FOR A REDRESS OF GRIEVANCES.

from Abraham Lincoln's, “The Gettysburg Address”
“It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”

Bob

2008-07-05T04:57:00.005-04:00

I was in college when I met Bob. She was a little black fluff ball with a nose poking out. On our way home together for the first time, she threw up on me, and then she shivered in my lap and fell asleep. She was the SWEETEST puppy. I didn't have to potty train her! No joke. She literally never used the bathroom in my apartment, but she sometimes did in other people's. She and I went everywhere together. Since I got her the year I pretty much dropped out of college (don't worry, I eventually went back), she became my center, in a way, something to take care of when everything else was falling away.

Bob has an independent and free spirit. When we lived at the beach, she would bust out of my bedroom window and spend the whole day at the beach while I was working. I would find her on the front steps later, soaking wet, filthy, and satisfied. I used to take her for endless morning walks along the beach, and we were often all alone there. She would run through the water for MILES; she loved it.

She is a digger, big time, too.

My little sister, with a bag full of Cheetos, taught her how to roll over, and that has been Bobby's claim to fame ever since. Bob shows affection all of the time, but she never begs for it. She used to sit on my lap while I was driving when we went on road trips together. When she was a little younger, she would dance with me, two legs on the floor and holding my hands. She has lived with me in at least nine different apartments/houses. She has lived with the following pets, all of whom are gone now: Romeo, Twinkie, and Salvador. She loved them.

Bob is extremely gentle. She is expressive with her ears and eyes. I used to dream that she was talking to me. Her lips would move in my dream, but her voice was always my own.

Tonight is the third night in a row that I have been up with Bob, who is panting incessantly. She never stops. She can't sleep. Tonight, though, I can tell she is in pain. She is wheezing a little, and when I lie down and put my arms around her, she twitches. She had a "brain virus" or a stroke last September according to our vet, and we thought she might be failing in health, but she made a full recovery. Now, though, she really seems sick. Bob has been with me for 15 years. I have a feeling that when I take her to the vet they are going to tell me something terrible, but I don't want her to be in pain. How do you know when?

The LOOOOOONG Weekend

2008-07-03T07:37:00.002-04:00

Sigh. Days 154-157 upcoming.

Love to Daniel.
Happy 4th of July everybody.
We wish a happy journey and congratulations, moms and dads, to friends who are finally getting approvals to bring their "Tu Du" babies home. We desperately hope to join you all in celebration soon.

Please Please Please

2008-06-30T23:35:00.001-04:00

let this be our week.

Too great! Next year with Baby D. (Or Safety Mom Strikes Again...He likes the life jacket!)

2008-06-29T23:19:00.004-04:00

Who can wait for bathing suits?

2008-06-28T20:39:00.003-04:00

I love you so much Daniel. Scotty cannot wait to build sand castles with you. We never never stop thinking about you and wishing you here. I hope someone gave you more than a million kisses on your birthday, and I promise that we will celebrate your amazing miracle of a life again when you are home forever. I love you so much.

2008-06-27T22:23:00.000-04:00

2 New Readers This Year

2008-06-27T08:54:00.000-04:00

J and G are readers this summer! That is such a cool developmental milestone...a whole new world.

The Beach!

2008-06-26T09:35:00.005-04:00

We are spending a week in my favorite place, and it has been wonderful. All of my siblings (except for amazing A who we are missing so much) are here with their children as well as some of my cousins and their children. The ocean is clear, and we have delighted, as always, in the beauty here. Yesterday, we had a birthday party for Daniel. All of the cousins, aunts, uncles and Scotty decorated a onesie for him. I will post pictures when I can. God bless Daniel, and we hope to bring him here soon to dip his little toes in the water and to bask in all the love this family has to offer.

Thankful Day 139...A Real Challenge

2008-06-18T19:43:00.006-04:00

1) water to drink from a sink 2) Wrightsville Beach 3) white sand 4) the funny voices Scotty uses for his different toys 5) a surprise smile from a stranger 6) electricity 7) free boxes 8) sunshine through a thick canopy of leaves

The following cliches:
9) snug as a bug in a rug 10) sharp as a tack 11) cutie patuty 12) ignorance is bliss 13) as smooth as a baby's bottom

The following nicknames given to Scotty:
14) snuggle bug 15) noodle 16) butter bean 17) sugar bear 18) bear bear 19) bo bo 20) love bug 21) bug 22) funny bean 23) squee bunks (my mom's name for him) 24) noodle bear (don't ask me why)

The following nick-names for other family members:
25) meemster 26) pah pah 27) pop pop 28) grammy 29) granny 30) jo bo 31) boo 32) A 33) "Ig Bim"

These funny things:
34) C saying "show me the monies" when he wanted to see Penny, the dog. 35) J calling a delicious chocolate dessert "Happy Thanksgiving" as it has been called ever since.

36) turquoise 37) John Stewart 38) cauliflower 39) iridescent dragonflies 40) chaos 41) calm after chaos 42) imagination 43) (shame) Costco 44) my old friends who I have not seen for a long time 45) the Internet 46) G's ears 47) Willis who took care of Scotty when I went back to work 48) the edge of Folly Beach by the lighthouse 49) my Gran 50) my Granny 51) my Pop 52) my Uncle Henry 53) my Grandaddy 54) opals 55) fog 56) police 57) social workers 58) teachers in general 59) my teachers 60) Scotty's teachers 70) Peter Tosh 71) Paul Simon 72) Beethoven 73) Mozart 74) Van Gogh 75) kangaroos 76) grass 77) curly hair 78) little hands 79) little toes 80) movies at Harris Teeter 81) parks 82) almonds 83) Feta cheese 84) Diet Coke (yuck, I know, it is an addiction) 85) glasses 86) windows 87) the way paint changes a room 88) the day Scotty and I painted an ocean and a sailboat on his wall 89) today 90) yesterday 91) tomorrow

Movies:
92) The Sound of Music 93) A Christmas Story 94) Christmas Vacation 95) Forrest Gump 96) The Matrix 97) Goonies

98) silk 99) satin 100) cotton

Children's Books:
101) If You Give a Mouse a Cookie 102) If You Give a Pig a Pancake 103) Horton Hatches the Egg 104) Where the Wild Things Are (of course) 105) How Does a Dinosaur Say Goodnight? 106) all Curious George 107) all Shell Silverstein 109) Goodnight Moon 110) Stellaluna
111) Are you My Mother?
(older)
112) Anne of Green Gables (series) 113) The Giver 114) The Giving Tree 115) Tuck Everlasting 116) Little House Books

117) eyelashes 118) Santa Claus 119) moonbeams 120) onomatopoeia 121) hats 122) flip flops 123) polar bears 124) flamingos 125) light up shoes (Scotty loves them) 126) glow sticks 127) hoolahoops 128) HGTV 129) stars 130) courage 131) hope 132) love 133) faith 134) truth 135) strength 136) friends 137) family 138) democracy 139) Daniel's Life Mother

Daniel is going to be 1 this Wednesday. I can't bring myself to hope that we will hold him by then, but I do pray that we will. I know that someone else is longing to hold him, too. I hope she will find peace, and I hope that we can honor her by bringing him home. I don't need to say how much I am baffled by this eternal wait to give this baby a home. I struggle to remain hopeful and to avoid bitterness. The time we have lost is small compared to the important developmental time Daniel has lost. Studies reveal that negative effects of institutionalization include psychological problems, delays and problems in physical development, and lower IQ. The extent of those negative effects is directly correlated to amount of time spent in institutionalized care. Why do people continue to try to justify this child's institutionalization? He has a home waiting and parents who want to give him everything good for his health and his development. We love him so much. I want to avoid bitterness towards the powers that are committing this injustice that harms my child, but how does one do that? Any advice would be appreciated.

Tonight is 139 (Over 4 and 1/2 months in the life of an innocent child) waiting for an I600 determination.

2008-06-15T21:16:00.001-04:00

I love you.

"O is for Ocean" and 1st Annual Preschool Graduation

2008-06-13T21:20:00.004-04:00

The letter parade was fantastic, and today, Scotty graduated from preschool for the first time! He will graduate again next year since he misses the kindergarten cut-off by three days. Still, when they sang "We go together like shoo be doo be doo whap..." I laughed, and I cried when they signed "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". Well, I am easy to cry. How many times do kids actually graduate these days? Wow. He is going to think this is an every year kind of thing. Meanwhile, my mom has been making the grandchild circuit: 1 1st annual preschool graduation, 1 kindergarten graduation, 1 middle school awards ceremony, 1 elementary school graduation, and tomorrow she is attending the beautiful dance recital where my precious nieces will wind up the season of ceremonies and performances. My mom is a great MiMi.

Here is the song (and one version I have long loved) the kids used to drag tears out of tens of preschool parents...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=2A2Jt4WOxN8

God Bless Daniel.

Thankful

2008-06-12T23:29:00.005-04:00

I am thankful for another year with my students. What a great job I have! Every day I teach, I am exposed to new ideas and amazing people I would meet no where else. I have passionate colleagues, and creative, positive energy is what makes education happen. Plus, I LOVE BOOKS! Every person should be able to be a high school English teacher for a day; it is such a riot. (The summers are a pretty fantastic perk, too.)

So Sad Tonight

2008-06-06T22:15:00.003-04:00

Tonight when I was putting Scott to bed, he wanted to know "who is taking care of Daniel?" I said that Daniel has people who love him to take care of him tonight. I have been crying ever since. I told Scotty that we take care of Daniel by loving him and getting ready to be his family, and Scotty said, "but why is it taking so long, mom?" I just don't know. I don't understand this at all. I cannot understand why this little baby has to stay in an orphanage when we have been waiting for over six months to give him a home. We have been waiting over 4 months for an I600 determination. I am so terrified about what this will all mean to him when he gets older, because if I cannot answer Scott's questions now, how will I be able to answer the much more difficult ones from Daniel later? I have truly exhausted my resources, and I am no farther than when this journey began to knowing one single fact about problems with his specific case and what is taking so many months to allow him to have a home. I have been in regular contact with my senators and congressman (and other people's senators and congressmen, etc.). What can I do now? I cannot explain to anyone who is not experiencing this how much I love him. He belongs with a family. God, please let this end.

Hi There! Getting So Big!!

2008-06-02T17:59:00.004-04:00

We got an update! Yay! 17.7 lbs.

Double Plus

2008-06-01T17:36:00.005-04:00

123 days waiting for I600 determination. Our acknowledgement letter, February 1 read:

Dear Mr/Ms. [thegregs],

This office is in receipt of your Form I-600, Petition to Classify Orphan as an Immediate Relative. Your petition and supporting evidence will be reviewed by USCIS to determine whether the child named qualifies as an orphan. In certain cases it may be concluded that an administrative field inquiry or a request for evidence is necessary to make that determination. Most determinations will be completed in 60 days.

You will be notified by mail as soon as this determination has been completed.

We have waited more than double the time that "most determinations will be completed". We have waited almost 80 days longer than the "average" stated in the notes from the ASP meeting last week (which happens to be the exact same average stated in a letter to David Price two months ago. Is the average number of days a stable number?). Are these (at least) 30 cases over 100 days included in this average? Can we please see a ratio of cases approved vs. cases denied to understand why our children are being relegated to institutionalized care? No, I do not believe that my child should be collateral damage to the larger cause. He will be a year old on the 25th of this month. This is NUTS. I am exhausted, and I am sad.

2008-05-31T16:50:00.000-04:00

For My Uncle Henry

2008-05-29T22:03:00.003-04:00

http://gallery.photo.net/photo/3294629-lg.jpg

The Letter O

2008-05-28T22:35:00.012-04:00

Scotty is the letter O in the letter parade for his preschool. Choices for costumes for the letter O include the following: Octopus, Oreo, Otter (Scotty's 1st choice), etc. In my quest for homemade costume materials at Eckerds tonight, I found a perfectly beautiful beach towel with an Ocean scene. Am I a dud of a mom because I decided to cut a head hole in the towel and get Orange goggles to go with the Ocean scene? I guess only time will tell. To be fair, I am totally UNcrafty, so whatever I made would probably have been pretty dismal. He seems happy with it, and he wanted to wear his goggles to bed. I love that little guy.

Also,

Tonight is 119 (I made a whoopsie last night and wrote 129...sorry to those who read that. I guess it just feels like an eternity, and in addition to being totally UNcrafty, I am math deficient and spacey. My good qualities are a literary mind and the capacity for great love which might also have contributed to the mistake. It sure is easy to put out misinformation. Hmmm. I digress.) days waiting for I600 determination, and Daniel's birthday is in 28 days.

A Beautiful Wish

2008-05-25T12:40:00.005-04:00

My little sister recently returned from a trip to China. She was as close to Daniel as any in our family have been. While there, she left a wish for him. From her pen to God's heart, I hope. So many people love you, Daniel.

She left the wish prior to the earthquake. I imagine the whole wall, today, full of wishes for strength and health to those who are experiencing such trauma now.

Please click on the link in the post below to find out how to support JCICS in a campaign that works to ensure that ethical adoptions (which support the rights of children to home and family) will continue in Vietnam.

Daniel is 11 months old today. I love you so much, baby.

A Child's Right Campaign: JCICS

2008-05-24T21:10:00.003-04:00

Please read about and support JCICS's "A Child's Right Campaign" to support the continuation of ethical adoptions from Vietnam.

http://www.jcics.org/Vietnam.htm

Did you know that...

2008-05-22T20:13:00.007-04:00

"Adoption and Safe Families Act (ASFA, Public Law 105-89) was signed into law by President Bill Clinton on November 19, 1997 after having been approved by the United States Congress earlier in the month . AFSA was enacted in an attempt to correct problems that were inherent in the foster care system that deterred the adoption of children with special needs... In greeting the final measure, Bill Clinton stated that the bill 'makes clear that children's health and safety are the paramount concerns.'"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adoption_and_Safe_Families_Act

Daniel has been in his orphanage since July, almost 11 months.

Tonight is 53 days past the "60 days". Day 113.

109

2008-05-18T21:46:00.004-04:00

49 days PAST the "60 days" from our Feb.1 acknowledgement waiting for I600 determination from CIS.

14 days past "60 working days" which was the new terminology used on subsequent acknowledgements for families receiving acknowledgements after Feb.1.

11 days past the "60 days" for an update from the March 17 nastygram preview to my agency about Tu Du being blocked.

22 days until the "60 working days" for an update from the actual March 17 nastygram about Tu Du being blocked.

185 days since our referral for precious Daniel.

38 days until Daniel's 1st birthday.

Please let this be our week.